الجمعة، 11 ديسمبر 2009

stuck

He had never tried to use public toilets before . Not because they are too filthy for him to use , but public toilets were not widely spread from the first place. He used to urinate following the traditional way, open his zipper and facing a wall or a fence of a garden . Although , he did not like peeing this way , being used to something strips it from any feelings of dislike.
Working as a velant in a primary school , he walked everyday in the early morning to the bus stop and jumped into the one heading downtown . Afterwards, he would wait for a microbus to drive him along the narrow streets to the school. His journey to work usually takes an hour . Suffering from liver and bladder problems , Saber needed to pee every couple of hours . He could wait till he reaches school, but the problem was that his mate " Om Mostafa " had the key of the only men's toilet in school and because of the little favours om mostafa paid to the school headmaster , she was the only employee who dared to come at 11 pm though teachers were not allowed to enter school after 9 pm . That's why he used to pee in a garden nearby before he enters school .
He got to know the public toilet when he could not find the microbus one day and had to walk all way to school. Saber tried to school . Saber tried to get in it but the doorway was blocked by three men . The three men lined up in a queue and Saber managed to press himself into a small square where people were standing . The smell was too disgusting to describe . Ugly paintings covered the walls . All ceramic tiles were cracked as if they were hit by a hard object , harder than the tiles themselves . The upper part of the door of the toilet cabin was broken but still it prevented others from seeing the person inside . The first man in the queue was shouting of pain and he pressed his both hands on his stomach hoping to relieve the pain . The one behind him was his friend who explained to the others the reason why he could not stop whining . It was a poisoned liver sandwich from Abdo Swarekh , the famous oriental sandwiches shop downtown . On hearing this , Saber took out a beans sandwich from the large side pocket of his shirt and stared for few seconds at it . "Beans are just beans " said Saber ti himself who was pretty sure that after thirty – five years of eating sandwiches daily that he can never fall ill because of them.
Infront of Saber , there was a dreadfully thin Youngman whose elbow joints were visible from under his skin. He made some facial expressions that made him seem abnormal . He was not comfortable to be approached or even stared at .
Ten minutes passed while Saber was waiting for the anonymous man who was in the toilet cabin . The whinning man knocked hard on the door and his bearded friend threatened to break it if the person inside did not get out immediately . There were all sure of that . There was something strange going on inside they were all sure of that .
They could see from the opening at the bottom of the door that was on the floor . They saw one leg stretching on the dirty cracked ceramic tiles . The bearded man's threats served them right . After few seconds , the person inside the cabin opened the door slowly , gazed at them all , said nothing and crawled his way out of the place . He was slim and recognizably short . His eyes were red and his face was frozen and gave no reactions. The moment he opened the door , the whining man ran inside and slammed it .
The bearded man said satirically : " What 's wrong with him ? " The whining friend said from inside : " He was taking drugs , the remains of hashish are everywhere on the ground. The bearded man got angry and kept condemning lack of morals and the down fall of religious behaviours. Saber did not understand why the bearded man was that angry . Saber knew plenty of good people who smoked Hashish. He , himself , amoked hashish in feasts and wedding parties. The whining man pushed a quarter pound that was thrown on the floor with his leg to the men standing outside to prove his point .
The bony guy soon rushed to the banknote that was covered with a black sticky substance and picked it up . He peeped out at the other two men , threw himself at one of the narrow ony guy soon rushed to the banknote that was covered with a black stickycorners , took out a cigarette lighter and lighted the banknote after rolling it like a cigarette
The bearded guy furiously said " You will not smoke hashish here , you … " He started insulting the bony man and was about to punch him on the face when Saber middled between them and tried to screen the youngman who threw the banknote on the floor as he felt a little afraid of the well built bearded man and started insulting him back .Then a moment of silence when they heard ElAdan from a mosque near by. After that the bearded man broke this silence by a question to his friend inside the cabin " How is everything now , Do you feel better ?" . The man who had already stopped whining few minutes ago : " A little bit , but still feeling the pain " . Saber began to run out of patience but he said nothing.
They were all stuck in 2 x 2 m space , each of them leaned on one corner . After a while , a little girl stepped in from the narrow entrance with a young child in her hand . She seemed dumfounded on the sight of the sight of the three men who were stuck in such a narrow place . She stood next to them silently , Saber startled when he saw that the girl dared to step in the toilet and wait them . He said addressing her " Go out girl , this toilet is for men only " . She was only a twelve year old girl in a dark old " galabyia" and a tiny veil that exposed most of her brownish hair rather than covered it . She had this skin colour that distinguished most suburbans who belonged to the lower class of the working class , this dusty coloured skin with layers of accumulated dirts over her face . The way in which she answered Saber showed that
she was probably one of those girls who sold vegetables and fruit in the market nearby
It was quite daring to tell Saber : "I do not see any men here" . As many men would respond to that , Saber and the bearded man flew into rage , the latter said : "what ? Hold your tongue girl , go out or we will get you out by force " . The girl said in a loud voice using her hands which moved in all directions expressing her fury : " I do not see (Banned for females ) sign written outside , besides you should be ashamed of yourselves , you can do it anywhere , women are more entitled to it than you " .
The girl looked very wild this made Saber and the bearded man end their quarrel at this point . Minutes passed , the girl stood with the little child in one of the narrow corners , next to her directly was the bearded man . The bony young man had to lean on the toilet cabin's door inspite of the whining man's requests to go away as the door was very weak and tended be broken easily . Saber looked at his watch , he still had 15 minutes , meanwhile , the bony man was staring at the ceiling singing in a strange language that was what Saber thought " a strange language " . However ,he soon realized that the young man is definitely a lunatic and that he was
just producing sounds that were meaningless
Both men were absent minded for few minutes . At this time , the bearded man was peeping out at the little girl and inspecting her with keen eyes . She noticed hi looks and felt uncomfortable . She moved herself inches away from him . She wanted to move for a more distance , but there were no more inches . The place was as tiny as a box of matches. The bearded man approached again . He gave the little child a chewing gum . The girl stood still and said nothing . Then , the bearded man leaned a little bit with his body over her shoulders and was about to touch her from the back with his hand when the girl screamed , took off one slipper her feet and flung them at his face , damning him and all men in the world . Saber was shocked when he heard the scream , he had given them his back and did not see what happened , the bony man stopped singing . Saber tried to middle between them and asked the girl :"what's going on ? " She did not answer him but took the other slipper , threw it at Saber's face and ran out bare footed grabbing the child from his arm . The bearded man said angrily :" The girl is a whore , it is very obvious , she got into a men's toilet and accused our masculinity , she is a whore and wanted us to respond to her . Oh ! God strengthen our faith " . Saber looked at him with no doubt that the man was sincere about what he said . Yes , the girl was definitely a whore . At this moment , the cabin's door opened and the whining man looked in pain but he was much better . The bearded man rushed to the toilet cabin and shut it quickly as if he was hiding himself . The bony guy became angry and shouted claiming that he was there before them . He unzipped his pants and urinated all over the floor with a wide victorious smile upon his face . The young man urinated a lot on the walls and the floor . The chaotic urination made the place smell worse and look dirtier than before . The whining man said to him " Are you out of your mind ? " He turned to Saber and said : " He must be a lunatic , right ? " . Saber nodded , he checked that his sandwich was still in his pocket and left the tiny place ,where one man was shouting and the other bursting into urine chaotically .
It is not a wise thing to leave a man who is so desperately in need of toilet waiting for a longtime . Anyway , the young man is a little mad , but Saber is a sane one . He told himself that his bladder could wait another few minutes till he reaches school. "I have been waiting for a long time , I can bear a bit longer and continue waiting " said Saber to himself . . . .

هناك 17 تعليقًا:

بدراوى يقول...

لا يا شيخة
ههههههههههه
انجليزى و كمان من غير فورمات
هههههههه
حيتقرا برده
مفيش مشكلة الإنجليزى رجع يتحسن الحمد لله

Che يقول...

طويله أوى يا سارة و حلوه أوى ... حسيت فيها بشويه عبثيه و معرفش احساسى ده صح ولا غلط
و ليا ملاحظات تانيه بس بعد اذنك هبعتهالك على الفيس بوك فى برايفت مسدج

بحر الالوان يقول...

بعيدا عن رايي فيما قرات , فان لي بعض الملاحظات البسيطة ارجو تقبلها بصدر رحب :
اولا : لماذا الانجليزية ؟ هل تفاديا لشريحة معينة من المعلقين ..... ام انها اكثر تعبيرا عن الفكرة .... او اكثر تهذيبا في التعبير ؟

ثانيا : مع احترامي فان الرموز داخل القصة تقليدية للغاية الرجل الملتحي , العبيط , مسمي المواطن ( صابر ) , تيمة التحرش ..... الخ وهي رموز من فرط ما تداولت في الحديث والقصص والافكار حتي فقدت معناها

ثالثا : رؤية القبح ووصفه امر يسير جدا ولكن الاصعب والافضل دائما هو اكتشاف الجمال والتاكيد عليه ..... ولعل في كويلهو المثل في تلك المعادلة وهذا باعتبار انك من محبيه

اخيرا استطيع ان اقول ان الكوب ليس فارغا لهذه الدرجة

وشكرا

سارة نجاتى يقول...

بداروى
منور بأى لغة يا بدراوى

سارة نجاتى يقول...

تشى
ما هى طويلة فعلا
بس ده ريتج القصة القصيرة المطبوعة
مش اللى بتنشر أو لاين

و ابعت يا باشا منتظرة كومنتك
تحياتى

سارة نجاتى يقول...

بحر الألوان


معلش ما هو أنت لسه متعرفنيش أوى , لكن أنا لو عايزه أتفادى معلقين مش ح أكتب بلغة ميفهموهاش مش ده أسلوبى خالص ( و ان كان كله دلوقتى بيعرف انجليزى ) , ببساطة ح أعملها بريفت نوت ع الفيس
أو ح أعمل موديرشن للتعيقات
أو ح اخلى المدونة يقرأها ناس معينة
أو اللى ح يعلق و مش طالبه معايا تعليقه ح أوقم مسحاه ( و ده مبيحصلش غير فى حالة ما حد دخل و سب و لعن مثلا )

بخصوص ليه انجلش و النقطة اللى وراها بتاعت ليه موضوع متكرر , فده له قصة عظيمة أوى , توقعت أنى مش ح أحتاج أحكيها بس أهو اللى حصل.

دى أنا كتبتها و أنا فى ثانوى
لما المدرس بتاع الانجلش طلب مننا موضوع
عن " يوم فى حياة مواطن مطحون " أو حاجة زى كده

بخصوص اظهار القبح , و اللى أنت شايفه يسير معرفش ازاى
بس أنا كل اللى كتبته من اول يوم ع المدونة لحد دلوقتى هو محاولة لاظهار الجمال
فعادى ان يحصل شيفت فى موضوعاتى بحكم انى انسانة برده
مينفعش نبتعد عن مناقشة أفكار عشان متكررة
لأنها بتستفحل فى مجتمعنا
لكن ح أتفق معاك أوى لو قلت لى أن المعالجة ليها هى المتكررة

ساعتها كنت ح أقولك فعلا عندك حق و دى نقطة عليا

تحياتى لتفاعلك يا باشا

بحر الالوان يقول...

معلش بقي استحمليني بجد المرة دي لاني البرد قايم بالواجب .
1- سؤالي حول الكتابة باللغة الانجليزية كان مجرد سؤال برئ ما اقصدش بيه انك بتهربي من شئ او بتدعي برضه شئ ...... دي حاجة تخصك ما ليش علاقة بيها, هو سؤال بدافع فهم خلفية النص مش اكتر

2- انا مش محتاج اعرف كاتب كل قصة او قصيدة عشان اقدر انقدها ...... لان العمل الفني زي ما بيقولوا كائن مستقل بذاته اما سئ او جيد من المنظور الادبي , لان لو اسقطنا اي عمل ادبي علي صاحبه تبقي كارثة .

3- في كتاب كتير بيكتب بلغات مختلفة عن لغتهم لاسباب كتير متفرقة ومتشعبة , زي مثلا صمويل بيكيت مثلا كان بيميل اكتر للفرنسية برغم اصوله الايرلندية
وغيره كثيرين

4- اظن برضه ان ملاحظاتي كانت في محلها بدليل انه بان من ردك انك كاتبها من ثانوي ياعني من سنه ( مجاملة علي اساس ان المرأة لا تتجاوز سن ال 20 ) , وانك متفقه معايا ان التيمات متكررة .

5- بالنسبة لفكرة التقاط القبح او ابراز الجمال ...... دي جملة عامة مش اتهام برضه ليكي واسمحيلي اقتبس مقولة عجباكي .....لا أستطيع العزف على قيثارتى لأننى مشغول بالدفاع عنها
بس انا ملاحظ ان كتير من المثقفين بيختلقوا حرب وهمية لتمرير الحانهم ( ابداعهم) ايا كان نوعها..... بمعني ان لما علقت كنت بتكلم عن المكتوب كعمل ادبي دون النيل من الكاتب علي الاطلاق

6- مش هاجادلك في فكرة انا انسانة برضه لان زي ما قلت انا مش بصدد تقييم انسان بقدر ماهو تقييم لما قرأت ....... ومش هاجادل في الحاجات المستفحلة دي لانها مناقشة جدلية تعمدت اني اساسا اتفاداها في تعليقي الاول

ملحوظة اخيرة : بما ان القصة دي حالة من حالات الريبرتوار فكان لازم تعملي تنويه ....... لاني رايي كان ها يبقي مختلف بشكل اكبر .....واعذريني لو كنت حاد او شئ من هذا القبيل , لاني ماقصدش خالص

اما بالنسبة لحكاية التفاعل ده , فا ربنا يستر عليكي لان عندي انفلونزا مدمرة فخلي بالك بقي

سلام

magi يقول...

حلوه يا ساره بس بصراحه مكسله اكتب رأىى معلش اعذرينى

سارة نجاتى يقول...

بحر الالوان

لا مش حاد خالص
بس انا حسيته شخصى ليا الصراحة
ما اكدبش عليك يعنى


لكن عموما انا مش (برحب) انا (بحب )
النقد لان البنى ادم لازم يكون له حد ادنى من الذكاء بحيث يميز الحاجحة اللى تدفعه قدام من الحاجة اللى تجره ورا

تحياتى ليك جدا و الف سلامه عليك

سارة نجاتى يقول...

ماجى

انتى كمان بوجهلك نفس المقولة

ماشى يا بنى ادمين

ysf يقول...

سارة

كل الانجليزي ده الساعة خمسة الفجر عاوز قدرات غير طبيعية عشان يتقرا ويتفهم :))))

و خصوصا اني لسه ضايف تعليق دسم مرهق .. و دا اللي ارجو يوصلك دلوقت

تحياتي

micheal يقول...

نفختي دماغي يا كوتكوتة..أنا بدأت قراءة القصة أثناء فترة الإستراحة بتاعة ماتش الأهلي ولقيت نفسي مخلصتش لما الشوط الثاني بدا بس كملت بما أن الماتش ممل
:)
الهم..أنا حسيت أن الموضوع مش مجرد راجل ملتحي ودخول حمام وقضاء حاجة وبنت غامضة وراجل قبيح..فيه مغزى وراء كل شخصية وربما رسالة لشخص ما..مين مين..ها؟
:)
عموما أفضل القراءة مرة تانية وأشوف حطلع منها بإيه..والله ما حسيبك
:)

micheal يقول...

السطرين الأخيرين تقريبا لقطت منهم مغزى
الموضوع وهو أن مش كل واحد يفكر في نفسه وبس ويفرض تصورات معينة ع الاخر فليس كل ما يلمع ذهبا
بصي بقى أنا بحب القصص اللي بتبان غامضة دي بس لازم تقوليلي المغزى برضه
مش بقولك أنتي أفضل مدونة كوتكوتة بحب اقرالها
:)

سارة نجاتى يقول...

معلش أستأذنكوا أرد على مايكى

أخيرا فهمتنى يا وديييييييييييييييييييييع

بس ده اللى عنده اقوله

هو فى مغزى مش طبيعى مش شرط اللى انت قلته
بس أنا بستبيأ الناس اللى بتشرح القصص اللى بتكتبها عشان كده كنت عاهدت نفسى مشرحش لحد حاجة عشان مش ده الطبيعى بس أنت ح اعملك استثناء برده

فيس بقى و نتكلم

تحياتى

Zika يقول...

مش عارف والله يا ساره انا قريتها مرتين
بس مش معقوله يعني تبقا معناها كده بالمعني البسيط اللي وصلي
ماعرفش يمكن انا اللي مابفهمش من ورا السطور وده مش تواضع بس بما اني متعود منك على فلسفة ما
فاكيد القصه مش مجرد كده يعني
هه ولا ايه
بخرف انا صح ؟
ايه بقا
طب استني اقرا التعليقات كده يمكن الاقي حد شغل دماغه

Zika يقول...

احم احم
وماله
مش عيب
انا عامة موجود في مكتبي من 5 لخمسه ونص ابقي خدي معاد بقا من السكرتيره وفهميني على مهلك

Blank-Socrate يقول...

هنا كان يقرأ سقراط
ثم ذهب الى الحمام و ننتظر عودتة
:)